How to stop fighting with your teenager (for dads)

Why do we argue about everything?

Part of it is the age. Teenagers want more say over their own lives, and they push to get it. Some pushing is normal, and most of it isn't about you.

Part of it is the pattern. A request becomes a lecture, the lecture gets an eye-roll, the eye-roll gets a louder lecture. Each of you is answering the last thing the other one did. You only control your half, but your half is enough to change how it goes.

How do I stop an argument once it's started?

• Notice it early. Most dads have a tell: the jaw, the voice going up, standing up. When you notice yours, that's the moment.
• Lower your voice instead of raising it. It's hard to keep shouting at someone who's talking quietly.
• Call the pause out loud. “I'm getting loud. I'm going to stop, and we'll finish this after dinner.” Then actually stop, and actually come back.
• Leave the room without making a point of it. No slammed door, no last word on your way out.
• Drop the need to win. If the goal is getting them to admit you're right, you'll be arguing all night.

What should I stop saying?

• “Because I said so.” Give the real reason in one sentence, even if they don't like it.
• “As long as you live under my roof…” It turns every rule into a fight about power.
• “You always” and “you never.” They'll argue with the “always” and skip the point.
• Sarcasm. Teenagers hear it as contempt, and they learn it fast.
• Old fights. Bring up last month and you're now arguing about two things.
• Comparisons to a brother, a sister, or you at their age.
• The second, third and fourth time you make the same point. Once is enough.

How do I talk to my teenage daughter without it turning into a fight?

The same way that works with sons, mostly. Ask before you advise: “Do you want help with this, or do you want me to just listen?” Then do what she says. Pick your time: not the minute she walks in, not in front of her friends. Side by side is easier than face to face, so a drive or a job around the house often goes better than a talk at the kitchen table. Texting is fine for small things; it's how plenty of teenagers say what they can't say out loud.

If the trouble at your house is less shouting and more silence, that's its own guide. When your teenager only says “fine” →

Which fights are worth having?

Fewer than you think. Hold firm on safety (driving, drinking, where they are at night), honesty, and how people in the house treat each other. Think hard before fighting about hair, clothes, music, or the state of their room. Every small fight spends something you'll want for the big ones.

Settle the rules when nobody's upset. Sit down once, ask what they think is fair, and agree on a few things: curfew, phone at night, the car. Say what happens if a rule gets broken, before it does. Then when it happens, there's nothing to argue about. You just do what you both already agreed.

If most of the fights are about the phone, that's its own guide. How to get your teenager off their phone →

If it's your daughter and she's gone quiet more than loud, here's the guide for dads and daughters.

My teenager says they hate me. What do I say?

Not much, and not the same thing back. It's usually said in the heat of a fight, about the fight. Something like “I hear that you're really angry at me. I love you. We'll talk when we've both cooled off” is enough. Don't argue it, and don't punish it as if it were the real topic. Come back to whatever actually started it later.

What do I do after I lose it?

Go back within the hour and say three sentences: what you did, that it wasn't fair, that they didn't deserve it. “I yelled. That wasn't fair. You didn't deserve that.” Nothing after “but.” If their door is shut, knock once and say it through the door. If face to face isn't happening, a text with the same three sentences is better than nothing.

Owning your part isn't the same as dropping the rule. You can apologize for yelling and still keep the curfew. How to apologize to your kid → How to stop yelling →

When is it more than arguing?

If anyone is getting pushed, hit or threatened, if things are getting broken, or if your teenager talks about hurting themselves or not wanting to be here, this guide isn't enough. Call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or call 911 if anyone is in danger. A doctor or a school counselor is a good next step for anything less urgent that's still worrying you.

Not sure where to start?

The free quiz for dads takes about a minute: pick what's hardest right now and get one thing to try tonight. The Better Father comes in versions by your kid's age, including one for dads of teenagers, built around closed doors, one-word answers and the car keys. It's $149 once. Full refund within 14 days of buying. Just email us. You don't have to explain or show your log. See the four versions →

More guides for dads

• When your son only says “Fine”Why sitting him down backfires, and what to try instead, side by side.
• How to stop yelling at your kidsWhy deciding not to yell doesn't work, and what to practice instead.
• How to apologize to your kid after yellingWhat to say, when to say it, and the one word that undoes it.