How to apologize to your child after yelling

It's 9 p.m. The house is quiet in the wrong way. Something small happened at dinner or bedtime, your voice went up, and now you're replaying it. Most dads in that spot already know they owe an apology. The hard part is saying it without making it worse.

What should I say when I apologize to my kid?

Three parts, and nothing else.

1. Say what you did. “I yelled.” Not “I got a little loud” or “things got heated.” Name it plainly.
2. Say it wasn't fair. “That wasn't fair.” This is the part most of us skip, and it's the part your kid needs to hear.
3. Stop. “You didn't deserve that.” Then close your mouth.

The hardest part is the third one. Every instinct will want to add something: why you were tired, what they did first, what needs to change. Whatever you add after the apology is often the part your kid remembers.

Why does the “but” ruin it?

“I'm sorry I yelled, but you weren't listening” is two sentences pretending to be one. The first is an apology. The second says the yelling was their fault, which means it will happen again the next time they don't listen. Kids hear the second sentence.

Day 41 of The Better Father is built around this. In Nobody's Watching, a fifteen-year-old drafts an apology about nine times, and every draft has “a little explanation that quietly hands the bill back.” The advice he gets is one line: cut everything after the “but.”

How long after yelling should I apologize?

As soon as you can say it without your voice going back up. For most dads that's minutes to an hour, not the next morning. Waiting until everyone has “moved on” teaches your kid that big feelings just get buried in your house.

If it's already been a day, or a week, go back anyway. Late is far better than never. “I've been thinking about Tuesday. I yelled at you. That wasn't fair.” still works.

The program has a name for this: come-back time. From week six on, the nightly log asks one extra question after a miss: how many minutes until you went back and owned it? “Not yet” is an allowed answer. Here's the day it starts, word for word:

What does an apology sound like at different ages?

A toddler or preschooler“Daddy yelled. That was too loud. I'm sorry.” Then a hug, if they want one.

A six- to ten-year-old“I yelled at you about your shoes. That wasn't fair. You didn't deserve that.”

A twelve- or thirteen-year-old“Earlier I came at you hard about the phone. That wasn't fair. I'm sorry.”

Get down to their eye level with little ones. With older kids, you don't need eye contact; saying it in the car or while you're both doing something is fine, and often easier for both of you.

Should I still apologize if my kid was misbehaving?

Yes. Their behavior and your yelling are two different things, and they need two different conversations. Have the apology now. Have the conversation about the behavior later, when you're both calm, tomorrow if you need to.

Keep them apart. An apology with a lesson stapled to it turns back into a lecture, and the lecture is what they'll remember.

What if my kid won't accept my apology?

Let them not accept it. A shrug, “fine,” “whatever,” or walking away are all real answers, especially from a teenager. Pushing for “it's okay, Dad” turns your apology into something they owe you.

In the same book, the apology finally gets sent, and the answer comes two days later: “ok. thank you.” Not forgiveness. Not yet. The grandfather calls letting it be exactly that much “its own rep, maybe the hardest one in the whole set — doing your part and then letting the other person have theirs.”

Is it bad to yell at your kids sometimes?

Almost every parent yells sometimes. Beating yourself up about it doesn't help your kid. What matters more is what happens next.

Developmental psychologist Ed Tronick spent years studying parents and babies. He found that even close pairs are out of step with each other much of the time, and that what builds trust is the parent noticing and setting it right, again and again. (Greater Good Science Center on Tronick's research.) You don't have to be a dad who never loses it. You can be a dad who comes back.

When you've blown it, the program's review is two questions, asked the way you'd ask a man you respect: What happened? And what do I want to do differently? No verdict, and no hour of beating yourself up. That hour feels like taking it seriously. It isn't.

How do I apologize to an older or grown kid?

For an old hurt, a letter often works better than a conversation, because they can read it alone and answer when they're ready. Keep it to the same three parts. Name the specific thing. Say it wasn't fair. Don't explain, and don't ask for anything back. The program's apology letter tool on day 41 points out every “but” as you write, and you decide whether to send it. Reconnecting with your adult son or daughter → Staying close to your kids after divorce →

How do I stop yelling so I don't have to keep apologizing?

Apologizing well doesn't replace yelling less. It's the other half. The first half is noticing what happens in your body right before you snap, which is what week two of the program trains. How to stop yelling at your kids walks through it.

More guides for dads

• How to stop yelling at your kidsWhy deciding not to yell doesn't work, and what to practice instead.
• Too stressed when you get homeYour family reads your mood before you say a word. What to do at the door.
• When your son only says “Fine”Why sitting him down backfires, and what to try instead, side by side.