How to Stop Getting So Angry at Your Kids: A Dad's Guide

The short answer

Often the anger isn't really about the juice. It can be tiredness, a bad day at work, money, or feeling ignored, and the kid is just where it spills. Learn the first signs in your body: a hot face, a tight jaw, clenched hands, a louder voice. When you notice them, get out of the room safely with a few words you've decided on ahead of time, like “I'm getting too angry. I'm going to the kitchen for five minutes. I'll be back.” Then go back and make it right. Between the bad moments, work on what keeps filling the tank: sleep, work stress, and the first minute through the front door.

Why am I so angry at my kids?

Often the kid is the last thing that happened, not the cause. The spilled drink or the third “no” lands on top of everything else you're carrying, and it gets the whole load. A few things are underneath it for a lot of dads:

Tired. Short sleep makes everything feel bigger and closer. Patience is one of the first things to go.
Work. The meeting that went wrong, the client who didn't pay, the boss you couldn't answer back. You held it in all day, and home is where it comes out.
Feeling ignored or disrespected. Being talked over, asked five times, laughed at when you're serious. That one stings in a way the spilled juice never could.
Money. A bill you're worried about can turn a broken toy or a wasted dinner into something that feels like a much bigger deal than it is.

None of that makes the anger okay to dump on a kid. But it's useful to know, because you can do something about sleep, work and money that you can't do by trying harder to be patient at six-thirty. A good question to ask yourself later, when it's quiet: what was I already carrying when that happened?

Is it normal to feel this angry at my kids?

Feeling angry at your kids happens to parents, and a feeling isn't the same as what you do with it. What matters is what happens next: what you say, how you say it, what your hands do. That's the part this guide is about, and it's the part you can practice.

What does anger feel like in my body before I lose it?

For a lot of people, anger shows up in the body before it shows up in words. Learn what yours looks like, so you can spot it while there's still time to do something. Common early signs:

Heat in your face, neck or chest.
A tight jaw, clenched teeth, or clenched hands.
Your heart going faster, your breath getting short and high.
Your voice getting louder or flatter, or words coming out clipped.
Moving faster: grabbing things, setting things down hard, standing up quickly.
A thought that starts with “always” or “never”: “He never listens.” “She always does this.”

Pick the one that shows up first for you. That's your signal. Watch for a week and see which one tends to come first. The moment right before the words come out is its own subject: how to stop yelling at your kids →

How do I control my anger with my kids in the moment?

Get some distance between you and whatever set it off. When the signal comes, the most useful move is often the simplest one: leave the room for a few minutes, safely.

Make sure the kids are safe first. A toddler can't be left alone near the stairs or the bath. Put a little one somewhere safe, like the crib or the playpen, or hand them to the other parent. With older kids, it's fine to step out to the next room.
Say where you're going and that you're coming back. Leaving without a word can scare a kid. Saying it out loud also makes clear this is you stepping away, not you punishing them.
Keep your hands to yourself and your voice low. Don't slam the door or throw anything on the way out.
Do something with your body while you're out. Splash cold water on your face. Walk up and down the hallway. Breathe out longer than you breathe in, a few times. Stand outside on the step.
Go back when your voice is level. If you need longer than you said, tell them from the doorway or the next room: “I need a few more minutes. I'm still coming back.”

Words that work, said in a normal voice:

“I'm getting too angry to talk right now. I'm going to the kitchen for five minutes. I'll be back.”
With a small child: “Daddy needs a minute. You stay here with your blocks. I'll be right back.”
With a teenager: “I don't want to say something I'll regret. I'm stepping out. We'll finish this in ten minutes.”
With your partner there: “Can you take this for five minutes? I need to step out.”

Decide on your sentence now, when you're calm. Words are a lot harder to find once the heat is up.

What if I can't leave the room?

In the car, in a store, alone with a toddler: sometimes there's nowhere to go. Then make the distance smaller. Stop talking. Pull over if you're driving. Take one step back, put your hands in your pockets or on the wheel, and breathe out slowly. Say less: one short sentence about what happens next, nothing about what they did. “We're going to sit here quietly for two minutes. Then we'll drive home.” The rest of the conversation can wait for home.

What keeps filling up the anger tank?

If the anger shows up most days, the moment isn't really where it's decided. It's decided by how full the tank already is when you walk in. Three places to start:

Sleep. Go to bed at the same time for a week and see whether the evenings change. If the baby or your work hours make that impossible, trade nights with your partner, or lie down for twenty minutes on the weekend without feeling bad about it.
Work stress. Notice whether the worst moments come in the first half hour after you get home. If they do, the problem may be the day you brought in with you, not the kids. Give it somewhere else to go: a walk around the block, ten minutes in the car, a call to a friend on the way.
The door reset. Before you walk in, take one breath and ask yourself what you're bringing in. Tired. Behind. Angry at a customer. Naming it doesn't make it go away, but it makes it less likely to land on a seven-year-old. The one-breath reset at the front door →

Money worries don't fix themselves in a week. Even so, it helps to say them out loud to your partner or a friend, instead of carrying them alone until the kid spills something.

How do I make it right after I got angry?

Go back to your kid once your voice is level, the same evening if you can. Get down to their level and keep it short: “I got really angry and I yelled. That wasn't fair. You didn't deserve that. I'm sorry.” Then stop. Nothing after “but.” If the thing they did still matters, deal with it separately, later, in a normal voice. How to apologize to your child → If you keep tacking an explanation on the end, here are common apologies with the “but” taken out.

Then do the next evening a little differently, and the one after that. An apology means more when the next nights look different.

When is anger dangerous?

Some of this is more than a habit, and a guide isn't enough for it. Get help now if:

you're afraid of what you might do;
you have hit, shoved, grabbed or hurt anyone in your house, or come close to it;
you've thrown or broken things near your kids, or punched a wall or a door;
your kids or your partner seem afraid of you.

If anyone is in danger or hurt right now, call 911. If you're afraid of what you might do, or you've hurt someone, call or text 988 now (in the U.S.), and you can call from the next room or the front step. For anything less urgent that still worries you, your doctor is a good place to start, and so is a counselor who works with men and anger.

Not sure where to start?

The free quiz for dads takes about a minute: pick what's hardest right now and get one thing to try tonight. If losing your temper is the one, here's that page. The Better Father is about ten minutes a day for eight weeks, in four versions by your kid's age, from babies to grown kids. It's $149 once. Full refund within 14 days of buying. Just email us. You don't have to explain or show your log. See the four versions →

How to stop getting so angry at your kids: a guide for dads