Dad Travels for Work? How to Stay Close to Your Kids

The short answer

Tell them you're going, every time, and say goodbye even if there are tears. Tell them when you'll be back in words they can count, and only promise the day you're sure of. Keep the calls short and at the same time each day, sized to their age, and don't force them. Leave something behind. Back up whoever is home with them. And when you get back, come in slowly: you're not a guest and you're not the enforcer.

What's hardest right now? Tap the closest one to start the free quiz.

Keeping my cool when they push it Putting my phone down for them Leaving work stress at the door Getting more than “Fine.” out of them Doing it differently than my dad did Having patience left by evening

Four quick questions, about a minute. One thing to try tonight. No email needed.

What should I tell my kids before I leave?

Tell them. Slipping out while a toddler is asleep or busy can save you a hard goodbye today. But then he finds out that Dad can be gone without warning, and the next goodbye can get harder. Say it, hug them, and leave. Tears at a goodbye are ordinary; don't stand in the doorway for ten more minutes.

Tell them where you're going, what you'll be doing, and when you'll be back, in their terms:

A toddler“I'm going on a work trip. Two sleeps, then I'm home for breakfast. I'll call you at bath time.”

A school-age kid“I'm in Ohio till Thursday, fixing machines at a plant. I'll call at seven every night. I'm back Thursday after dinner. Let's mark it on the calendar.”

A 13-year-old“I'm gone Monday to Thursday. I'll text you. Call me whenever you want, and if you don't feel like talking, that's fine.”

If the return date might slip, say so now: “Thursday, maybe Friday. I'll tell you the minute I know.” A kid who was told Thursday and gets Friday can remember Thursday.

How do I stay connected with my kids while I'm traveling?

Pick a call time and keep it. A short call that comes when you said it would can do more than a long one that comes whenever you get a minute. Choose one you can make every day, even if it's breakfast.

With a toddler, video, two to five minutes, around bath or bedtime. Show them the hotel window or the truck cab. Sing the same song you sing at home. If they wander off after a minute, let them. Say goodnight to whoever's left holding the phone.
With a kid around ten, skip “how was school?” Ask about something you know is going on: “Did you finish the Lego ship?” Then tell them one small thing from your day. Some families keep a game going between calls, like a chess app, or a show they each watch one episode of and talk about.
With a 13-year-old, texting may work better than calling. A photo of something odd you saw. A “good luck tomorrow.” No reply needed. Offer the call; don't require it.

Don't force the call. If a kid won't come to the phone, don't turn it into a fight over a speaker, and don't ask “Don't you want to talk to Dad?” That puts them in the spot of looking after your feelings. Try: “That's okay. Tell him I said goodnight. I'll call tomorrow at seven.” Then call tomorrow at seven.

If the hours or time zones make a live call hard, record a bedtime story or a short goodnight video before you leave, one for each night.

What can I leave behind?

A note for each day. In a lunchbox, under a pillow, or in numbered envelopes: “Open on Tuesday.” Two lines is plenty.
A countdown. A paper chain with one loop per night, or a calendar on the fridge they cross off. Little kids may not follow “three days.” They can follow three loops.
Something of yours. A worn T-shirt for a little one to sleep with. A photo of the two of you by the bed.
A small job. Watering one plant, feeding the dog, keeping your mug safe. Something they can tell you about on the call.

Leave out “you're the man of the house while I'm gone.” It sounds kind, but it hands a kid a job that isn't his.

What about my partner, at home with the kids alone?

If someone is home with the kids while you're away, they're doing every meal, every bedtime and every meltdown with nobody to tag in. A few things that help:

Back her rules from the hotel room. If a kid calls to appeal a “no,” the answer is: “What did Mom say? Then that's the answer.” Don't promise ice cream or a later bedtime that she then has to deal with.
Ask how she's doing before you ask about the kids, and listen. Don't fix it from three hundred miles away.
Thank her, and be specific. “Thanks for doing four bedtimes on your own. I know Tuesday was rough.”
Take something off her plate when you're back, without being asked and without announcing it.

Day 53 of The Better Father is about small promises kept exactly, and about taking something off someone's plate without making a show of it:

From the program

Week 8 · Day 53Trust comes back slowly

What you do that day

Today, do one small thing for someone in your house that asks for nothing back, and don't point it out. Then stay, whatever comes. With a little one: make one small promise and keep it exactly. "Two more pages, then lights out, and I'll sit with you till the song ends." Then sit till the song ends. With an older kid: do the thing they asked about last week that got a "we'll see" (fix the bike chain, sign the form, drive them to the friend's) and don't mention that you remembered. With your partner or your kid's other parent, if that's part of your life: take one thing off their plate, unasked, with no announcement. If nobody notices, that's fine.

If you and your kids' mom live apart, most of this still holds: back her rules while they're at her place, and keep your call time. Co-parenting tips for dads →

What do I do the first evening back?

Two easy mistakes. One is coming in as the fun guest: presents, pizza, no rules, then gone again on Monday. The other is coming in as the enforcer, catching up on every report of bad behavior from the week. Try neither. Come in as Dad, doing ordinary things: dinner, the bath, the dishes.

Your kids may not greet you the way you pictured. Some go cold for a few hours and act like you're not there. Some won't let go of your leg. Some get wild. That's normal, and it's not a verdict on you. Don't demand a hug, and don't take it personally. “I'm glad to be home. I'm right here.” Then be right there.

Go slowly. Save the big talks and the discipline decisions for another day, after you've heard from your partner, in private, what's been going on.
Keep gifts small and rare. If every trip ends in a present, the trip can start to be about the present.
Put the phone away for dinner and bedtime.

If you walk in carrying the trip, a long drive or a delayed flight, there's a guide for the minute at the door. Coming home from work stressed →

Day 5 of the program is a good one for the first night back: no report on their day, just time next to them.

From the program

Week 1 · Day 5Side by side, not face to face

What you do that day

Tonight, spend ten minutes side by side with your kid, doing something with your hands, and don't ask for a report on their day. With a little one: blocks, a puzzle, drawing next to them, washing the dishes together. With an older kid: an errand in the car, shooting hoops, cooking something. If they bring something up, follow it and keep your hands busy. If they don't, that's fine too. Before bed, write down three things the two of you could do over the next few weeks that need two sets of hands, and that they might actually want to do.

What if I miss a game, a recital or a birthday?

Tell them as soon as you know. Don't say “I'll try to make it” if you know you can't; they'll hang on to the “try.” Ask someone to film it or put you on a video call. Then, when you talk, ask about it like you want the details:

After a missed event“I missed your recital. I wanted to be there. Show me the video and tell me the part you liked best.”

For a birthday, pick a day for your own celebration with them, give it a name, and keep it. If the guilt about being gone is weighing on you, that's its own guide. Dad guilt about working too much →

What if I'm gone for weeks at a time?

With rotations, long-haul routes and long projects, give the kids a rhythm they can count on. A calendar on the fridge that shows home weeks and away weeks. The same call time every day you're gone. A postcard from each stop. When you're home for a stretch, you don't have to cram everything in. Ordinary days at home count.

Is there something to try this trip?

Pick one: tell them the day you're back and mark it where they can see it; set one call time and keep it every night you're gone; leave one note for each day; or on the first evening back, spend ten minutes next to them doing something with your hands, with no questions about the week.

Not sure where to start?

The free quiz for dads takes about a minute: pick what's hardest right now and get one thing to try tonight. The Better Father is about ten minutes a day, in four versions by your kid's age: 0 to 5, 6 to 13, 14 to 19, and 20 and up. It's $149 once. Full refund within 14 days of buying. Just email us. You don't have to explain or show your log. See the four versions →

Dad travels for work: how to stay close to your kids when you're away