Co-parenting tips for dads who see their kids part-time

How do I make the time I have with my kids count?

Not by cramming. When you only have them for a weekend, there's a pull to fill every hour: the trampoline park, the movie, the big dinner out. It feels like making up for lost time. Often it leaves everyone tired by Sunday, with little room left for just being at home with their dad.

The ordinary stuff done together counts too. Try this:

• Plan one thing, not five. One outing or project for the weekend. Leave the rest of the time loose.
• Give them jobs. Help with groceries, cook a meal together, fix something. It helps your place feel like theirs.
• Do the boring parts with them. Homework at the kitchen table, laundry, a walk to the store.
• Put your phone away for the time they're there. Get work done before pickup if you can.

If you only have a few hours, like a midweek dinner, keep it simple: same place or same meal, and one question about something they told you last time.

What do I say at handoffs?

Less than you think. Handoffs are a transition for your kid, and the fewer surprises the better. Keep them short, on time and polite. Don't use them to talk about money, the schedule or anything you disagree about. That goes in a message later, without the kids around.

Words to try at drop-off, said the same way every time:

• “Love you. Have a good week. I'll call you Tuesday at seven.”
• With a little one: “Bye, buddy. Daddy will see you on Friday. Two sleeps, then three more.”
• With a teenager: “Good weekend. Text me how the game goes.”

Words to try at pickup:

• “Hey, good to see you. We'll get home and have a snack.” Then let them settle before you start asking about their week.

Things to leave out at the door: “I'm going to miss you so much,” said with a sad face, which can make a kid feel responsible for your feelings. Questions for their mom in front of the kids. Any comment about how late, how early or how packed the bag is.

Some kids are quiet, cranky or wound up for a while after switching houses. A quiet first hour can help: a snack, a show, the same Friday dinner. Hold the big plans until later.

How do I keep my kid out of the middle?

Treat it as a rule for you, not a goal. Kids shouldn't carry anything between the two houses except their stuff.

• No messages through them. Not “Tell your mom the check is late,” and not even “Ask your mom if you can stay till Sunday.” Message her yourself.
• No questions about the other house. “How was your week?” is fine. “Who's been coming over?” or “What did your mom say about me?” puts your kid in a spot where any answer can feel like taking sides.
• Nothing bad about their mom where they can hear it. Not on the phone in the next room, not as a joke, not as a sigh. They love her, and hearing her run down can hurt them.
• Let them love both houses. If they talk about something fun at their mom's, be glad for them: “That sounds great.” If they miss her at your place: “Of course you do. Want to call her before bed?”
• Don't ask them to keep secrets from the other house, and don't ask them to pick where they'd rather live.

If you slip and say something about their mom you wish you hadn't, own it plainly: “I shouldn't have said that about your mom. That's between grown-ups. I'm sorry.” How to apologize to your child →

Should my house have its own rules and routines?

Yes, and keeping them steady counts for more than being the fun house. Moving between two homes is easier on a kid when each one is predictable. Let them know what happens at your place: when dinner is, when bedtime is, what the screen rules are, and that you'll be there when you said.

• Keep your routines the same every visit. Same bedtime, same Saturday breakfast, same chores. It's easier to settle in when they know the shape of the day.
• Give them a spot that's theirs. A bed, a drawer, a toothbrush, a few things that stay. Even a corner of a small apartment.
• Hold the rules you'd hold if you had them every day. If you want to drop every rule because time is short, ask what they'll need when they're back at the other house tomorrow night.
• Get close to the other house where you can. Bedtimes and screen rules don't have to match, but it helps when they're near. A short message works: “What time is bedtime at yours on school nights? I'd like to keep it close.”

If you lose your temper at your place, the same steps apply as anywhere else. How to stop yelling at your kids →

How do I stay in touch between visits?

Short and regular is easier to keep up than long and now and then. Agree a time with their mom so it fits her evening, then keep it. What works depends on the age:

• Toddlers and little kids. A short video call, two to five minutes, at the same time each day or every other day. Read the same short book, show them the dog, sing the same song. Little kids aren't great on the phone, so don't take a short call personally.
• School age. A set call or video night, ten minutes. Ask about specific things you know are going on: “Did you finish the volcano project?” Keep a note on your phone of what they told you, so you can follow up.
• Tweens and teens. Texts are often easier than calls at this age. A photo, a game score, “Good luck on the test.” Messages that need no answer. Ask once in a while if they'd like a call, and let them pick the time.

Something running between you can help at any age: a book you read a chapter of on video, a game you're both playing, a joke that keeps going. For older kids who give one-word answers, here's what to ask instead of “How was your day?”

What if my kid doesn't want to come, or is cold at first?

Try not to take it as a verdict on you, and don't make it a fight. Some kids are cool at pickup, especially in the first hour. Keep things ordinary, don't push for hugs or talk, and let them warm up on their own time.

If they say they don't want to come, ask calmly, later, when it's quiet: “What would make your weekends here better?” Then listen. Sometimes it's something you can change: no wifi, no friends nearby, missing a game or a party, being bored. Teenagers have their own lives, and a job or a game can clash with your weekend. Talk with their mom about making room for it, rather than settling it with the kid alone, and stay within any court order.

Don't blame their mom for it in front of them, and don't guilt them: “I guess you don't want to see your dad” puts the weight on the kid. If a younger child cries for their mom at your place, it can mean they miss her, not that something's wrong with you. When your kid prefers mom →

How do I co-parent long distance?

When you live far away, visits are longer and further apart, and calls carry more of the week.

• Keep the call time. Same day, same time, even when it's short. Mind the time zones so you're not calling in the middle of their dinner.
• Know their week. Their teacher's name, their best friend's name, when the game is. Ask their mom to share the school calendar, or ask the school how you can get updates too.
• Send things. A postcard, a short letter, a package with something small and specific to them. Kids like getting mail.
• Make long visits ordinary too. A summer stretch doesn't need to be a vacation every day. Give them a routine, a few friends nearby if you can, and room to be bored.
• Plan travel days carefully. Agree the exact handoff time and place ahead of time and in writing. On the day, keep the goodbyes short.

What if co-parenting gets hard?

You can't control what happens at the other house. You can control your end of it, and that's worth doing well even when it isn't easy.

• Be on time and keep your word. Every pickup, every call. It's the part your kid sees.
• Keep messages short, factual and about the kids. Write them like a work email: date, time, what's needed. No history, no sarcasm, no replying in the heat of the moment. Read it back once before you send it, and imagine your kid reading it someday.
• Use one written channel. A shared calendar or a co-parenting app keeps schedules and agreements in one place, so everyone is looking at the same dates.
• Keep plain records. If plans keep changing or visits get missed, write down what happened: date, time, what was agreed, what happened instead. Just the facts, no opinions. Keep it to yourself; it's not something to show the kids or post anywhere.
• Follow the parenting plan or court order, even when it feels unfair. For changes, or questions about missed visits, see a family lawyer in your state.

If the arguments are getting to you and you're bringing it home to the kids, this guide on anger has the steps for stepping out before it spills.

What if there's abuse or danger?

Safety comes before any schedule. If anyone is in danger right now, call 911. If you or someone in your family is in crisis, or you're thinking about not being here, call or text 988. If you suspect abuse in either home, or you have questions about a protective order, custody or the parenting plan, see a family lawyer in your state about next steps. This guide can't give legal advice.

Is there something to do today?

Pick one: choose the words you'll say at the next drop-off and say them the same way every time, set a call time and tell your kid when it is, or plan one ordinary thing for your next weekend, like cooking dinner together. Then keep doing it. For more on staying close after a split, here's the guide on staying close to your kids after divorce.

Not sure where to start?

The free quiz for dads takes about a minute: pick what's hardest right now and get one thing to try. The Better Father is about ten minutes a day for eight weeks, in four versions by your kid's age, from babies to grown kids. It's $149 once. Full refund within 14 days of buying. Just email us. You don't have to explain or show your log. See the four versions →

More guides for dads

• Staying close to your kids after divorceCalls between visits, ordinary weekends, handoffs, and keeping the kids out of the middle.
• When your kid only wants momOwn one routine, time without mom in the room, and staying warm when they push you away.
• When your 6- to 12-year-old says “fine”Why “how was school?” gets nothing, and where kids this age actually talk.