How to reconnect with your adult son or daughter (for dads)

Why doesn't my adult son call me?

There's no one answer, and guessing out loud to him won't help. Grown kids have jobs, partners, kids of their own and not much time. Some just aren't phone people. For others, calls with a parent have turned into something to get through: advice they didn't ask for, questions about money or the job, a little guilt about not calling sooner.

It's worth looking honestly at the last few calls or visits. Who did most of the talking? Did they end with something they had to defend? You can't change why they stepped back. You can change what it's like when they step forward.

What should I want out of this?

Not a big talk, and not to be forgiven on a schedule. The aim is smaller: to be someone they can reach, on terms they can live with. If you go in needing a certain answer, they'll feel it, and it will be one more thing to get through.

What should I text my adult child?

Something short that doesn't need a reply. Texts are easy to ignore, which is the point: there's no pressure in them.

• “Saw this and thought of you.” With the photo or the link.
• “Hope the new job's going okay. No need to answer.”
• “Your team won. Thought of you yelling at the TV.”
• “Thinking about you today. That's all.”

Leave out “why don't you ever call?”, “must be nice to be so busy,” and anything that counts the days since you last heard. If they don't answer, don't send a follow-up asking whether they got it. Wait a week or two and send another small one.

How do I keep a phone call from going badly?

• Keep it short. End it while it's still going well. A ten-minute call they enjoy beats an hour they had to sit through.
• Ask about their life, specifically. “How did the move go?” works better than “So what's new?” Then listen to the answer.
• Hold the advice. If they tell you about a problem, “That sounds hard” is enough. If they want your take, they'll ask, and you can ask too: “Do you want ideas, or just someone to listen?”
• Don't open old business on a casual call. If there's something you need to own, give it its own call or a letter.
• Answer when they ask about you. One true sentence about your week is better than “fine.” Keep it about you, not a lesson for them.

How should I handle a visit?

Offer to come to them, and let them pick the day and the length. Shorter is often better: a lunch, an afternoon, one night at a hotel instead of three in the spare room. Leave when you said you would.

Do something side by side if you can: a walk, a drive, a job around their place that needs two sets of hands. Talking comes easier when nobody has to look at anybody. In their home, it's their rules: their partner, their kids, their way of doing things. Keep your opinions about all three to yourself unless they ask.

How do I apologize to my adult child?

Plainly, and about one specific thing. Three parts work at any age: say what you did, say it wasn't fair, say they didn't deserve it. Then stop. Nothing after “but”: not your stress at the time, not your own father, not what they did first. Explaining can wait until they ask.

For something old or heavy, a letter often works better than a call. They can read it alone, more than once, and answer when they're ready, or not at all. A letter can be as short as this:

• Name it: “When you were sixteen, I said you'd never amount to anything.”
• Own it: “That wasn't fair, and it wasn't true. You didn't deserve it.”
• Ask for nothing: “You don't need to answer this. I wanted you to have it.”

Don't send it the same day you write it. Read it the next morning and cut every sentence that defends you. More on how to apologize to your kid →

What if they answer with anger?

Let them. If an apology opens the door to things they've been holding for years, the most useful thing you can do is listen to all of it without arguing the details. “Thank you for telling me. I'm not going to argue with it” goes a long way. You can disagree about the facts later, or never. Getting the record straight is not the goal.

What if we're estranged, or they've asked for space?

Then the step is to respect it, all the way. If they've asked for no contact, don't send the text, the letter or the birthday card. Write the letter anyway, and keep it. If they ever open the door, you'll have it ready.

If they've set a limit short of that, like texts but no calls, or no visits for now, keep it exactly, without testing it. And don't go around them:

• Don't pass messages through their mother, siblings, partner or friends.
• Don't show up at their home or work.
• Don't post about it, or comment on their posts to be seen.
• Don't use the grandkids, a holiday or a health scare to pull them back.

If contact is allowed and you haven't said it, one message is enough: “I'm here whenever you want, and I'll leave it to you.” Then leave it to them. That can be a long, hard wait, and you shouldn't carry it alone. Talk to a friend you trust, a counselor, or a group for parents in the same spot.

What about their partner and their kids?

Treat their partner as part of the deal, not a rival for their time. Ask about them by name. If there are grandkids, being welcome around them is something your kid decides, and the way in is usually the same: show up when invited, follow their rules, leave on time.

Is there something to do today?

Pick one: a short text that asks for nothing, a call you keep to ten minutes, or the first draft of a letter you don't send yet. Then let it sit. Reconnecting with a grown kid is a lot of small, steady things, and most of them are on their schedule, not yours.

Not sure where to start?

The free quiz for dads takes about a minute: pick what's hardest right now and get one thing to try. The Better Father comes in versions by your kid's age, including one for dads of kids 20 and up, built around the phone call, the visit home and the old stuff. It's $149 once. Full refund within 14 days of buying. Just email us. You don't have to explain or show your log. See the four versions →

More guides for dads

• How to apologize to your kid after yellingWhat to say, when to say it, and the one word that undoes it.
• When you hear your father's voiceRaised by a yeller? What you picked up, and how a habit changes as it's handed down.
• When every talk with your teenager turns into a fightHow to stop an argument partway, what to stop saying, and which fights to drop.