How to stop being on your phone around your kids

Why can't I just put my phone down?

Because it was built so you wouldn't. In the books, the grandfather says it in a way that's hard to forget: “They hired smart people, real smart, to make sure that gap never opens — because the gap is where you'd put the thing down and go live your life.” The gap he means is the moment between the buzz and your hand.

So if you've tried to “just use it less” and failed, that isn't a character flaw. You're one man against a machine designed by a building full of engineers. Don't fight it at the moment of temptation. Move it before the moment comes.

What's the simplest rule that works?

One line from week two of The Better Father:

Two hours, another room, every night you can manage. Not a drawer in the same room, and not face down on the table. Another room. If you need it for an alarm, buy a cheap alarm clock. If you need a recipe, write it on paper or leave the phone on the counter by the stove and walk away from it.

Why the two hours before bedtime? Because that's when kids are most likely to want you: dinner, bath, the drawn-out goodnight, the stretch when an older kid wanders into the kitchen and starts talking. It's also when you're most tired and most likely to reach for something easy.

How do I set up the house so the phone loses?

• A charging spot by the door. The phone lives there when you're home, like keys. You can go check it. You just have to walk over.
• Notifications off. Everything except calls and messages from the people who'd actually need you. The buzz is what pulls your hand.
• One app gone. The one you open without deciding to. You can always reinstall it.
• A boring screen. Some dads switch the phone to black and white in the evening, or set a limit on the apps they lose time in. Use whatever setting makes it a little more trouble to start scrolling.

What do I do with the two hours instead?

Nothing big. The phone fills empty minutes, so have something ready for those minutes. Ten easy minutes where your kid leads counts.

Babies and toddlersGet on the floor. Be whatever the game needs: the customer, the monster, the bridge the cars drive over. Do bath and the bedtime book without anything in your pocket.

Kids about 6 to 12“Show me the thing you're building.” A card game at the table, cooking something together, shooting hoops in the driveway. Let them pick.

TeenagersBe findable. Sit in the kitchen or the living room with a book or a job instead of a screen. Teenagers rarely ask for time, but they're more likely to wander in when you look free.

You don't have to fill every minute. Being in the room without a screen, a little bored, is often when kids come and find you.

What should I say to my kids about it?

Say it out loud, once: “I'm putting my phone away until bedtime.” Kids notice what you do far more than what you tell them to do, and saying it makes it harder to quietly drift back.

When they catch you on it“You're right. Putting it down.” Then put it down. No speech about how it was important.

When you really do need it“I have to answer one work message. Two minutes, then I'm back.” Then go to another room, answer it, and come back.

With a little one“Daddy's phone is going to sleep now.” Let them help you put it on the charger.

What if my job needs me reachable?

Plenty of dads are on call, run a business, or have a boss who texts at eight at night. The rule still works with a little adjusting. Keep calls on and turn everything else off. Most phones let you choose the few people whose calls and texts always ring through; put your boss, your crew lead or your on-call line there. Leave the sound up and walk to it when it rings. A phone in the next room that rings for real emergencies is very different from one in your hand that buzzes for everything.

What if I slip?

It happens. If you look down at bedtime and find you've been scrolling while your kid talked, don't make a big thing of it. Put it down, say “Sorry, I was on my phone. Tell me again,” and listen to the whole thing.

Then look at when it happened. Most dads find the slips come at the same time each night: right after dinner, waiting on bath water, the minute the kids go quiet. That's the moment to plan for. Move the phone before that moment tomorrow.

If whole evenings are slipping, try a smaller target: one hour, three nights this week. Getting it right some nights is better than a perfect rule you drop on Thursday.

What should I say about my kid's phone?

Nothing, at first. Nothing you say about his phone will reach him while yours is in your hand. Do it yourself for a couple of weeks. Then, if you want to set limits on his, you're asking from a different place. Phone rules for teenagers →

If your teenager has gone quiet on you, the phone is often part of it but rarely all of it. Getting your teenage son to talk to you →

Why do I keep reaching for it?

Usually because it's doing a job. A break from noise. Somewhere to put a feeling you don't want to sit in. Work that won't let go. In the book, the fifteen-year-old describes reaching for his phone when he knows there's nothing on it: “Like how your tongue keeps going to the spot where a tooth came out. Not because anything's there. Because the gap is.”

When the phone is in another room, pay attention to what you reach for instead. That tells you what it was doing for you, and that's worth knowing. If it's mostly work you can't put down, start at the front door. Coming home from work stressed →

Does it actually matter to kids?

Researchers have a name for small tech interruptions in family time: “technoference.” Kids notice when a parent's attention keeps leaving the room, even for a second. You don't need a study to know it, though. Think about what it felt like when your own dad was behind a newspaper or a TV.

If the phone is what's hardest for you right now, the free quiz page on the phone has one thing to try tonight. Other guides, sorted by your kid's age, are on the guides for dads page.

More guides for dads

• Too stressed when you get homeYour family reads your mood before you say a word. What to do at the door.
• Getting your teenager off their phoneStart with your own phone, then a few rules you agree on and keep.
• How to stop yelling at your kidsWhy deciding not to yell doesn't work, and what to practice instead.