On your phone when your kids want you?
They want to show you something. You say “one sec” and keep scrolling. Later you can't remember what it was, and neither can they.
What the phone looks like at home, by age
Little kids
Under five, they don't wait their turn. They climb on you, pull your arm, or hold a toy right up against the screen. When that doesn't work, they do something they know you'll react to, because it gets your eyes off the phone and onto them. It isn't a scheme. It's the quickest way to your face they know.
Six to twelve
They narrate everything: the game, the drawing, what a friend did at recess. “Dad, watch.” “Dad, look.” After enough rounds of “one sec,” some kids stop asking. The quiet can feel like a break. Sometimes it's them giving up on getting your attention.
Teens
Now they have a phone of their own, and you're the one trying to set rules about it. If yours is out at dinner, they'll point it out, and they'll be right. A rule you don't keep yourself is a hard sell to a fifteen-year-old. Phone rules for teenagers →
Why it's so hard to put down
Apps are made to keep you checking, and there's always something new. But the phone is also doing a job for you: a break after work, a way out of a boring stretch at the playground, a way to stay on top of things. When you catch yourself reaching for it, it helps to ask what you were really reaching for. Rest? Quiet? A minute away from the bedtime fight? That need is real. The phone is just the nearest way to meet it. More on the phone in your pocket →
Small things to try this week
- Give it a parking spot. Put a charger somewhere out of reach of the couch and the table, and plug the phone in there when you walk in. Getting up to check it is a small hassle, and that small hassle does a lot of the work.
- Say it out loud when you have to look. “I need to answer one message from work. Two minutes, then I'm back.” Then come back. It tells your kid the phone is a short errand, not the rest of the evening, and you may notice how often you were checking for no reason.
- Answer the first “look.” The first time this week they want to show you something, put the phone face down and look all the way. Ask one question about it. Then let them decide when it's over.
When you catch yourself scrolling anyway
You'll look up halfway through a story and realize you missed it. When that happens, put the phone down and say so: “Sorry, I was on my phone. Tell me again?” Owning it and asking again is the part they hear. Skip the speech about screens, theirs or yours.
If a whole evening went to the screen, don't try to make up for it with a big plan for the weekend. Tomorrow's parking spot is enough. And if you notice you're reaching for the phone mostly to get away from something heavier, like a fight at home or a worry you can't shake, that's worth talking to someone about.
For the two hours before your kid's bedtime tonight, put your phone in another room. Keep your usual rules about their screens; tonight is about yours. With a little one, that's usually dinner, bath and bedtime. With an older kid, it's the stretch when they're most likely to wander in and talk. If you're waiting on a call or need a recipe, leave the sound up and walk to it.
That's day 11 of the program, word for word.
Relevant exercises in the program
Word for word, with their real day numbers, from later in the eight weeks: time with nowhere to be, and small promises kept exactly.
Ten quiet minutes today, asking for nothing. If you pray, pray without the ledger. If you don't, just sit and look out the window. Then, once this evening, give your kid something they didn't earn: no reason, no reward, nothing after it. With a little one: after lights out, sit on the floor of their room for five minutes with nowhere to be. With an older kid: "I like having you around," said on an ordinary night, with nothing about grades, chores or practice attached.
Today, do one small thing for someone in your house that asks for nothing back, and don't point it out. Then stay, whatever comes. With a little one: make one small promise and keep it exactly. "Two more pages, then lights out, and I'll sit with you till the song ends." Then sit till the song ends. With an older kid: do the thing they asked about last week that got a "we'll see" (fix the bike chain, sign the form, drive them to the friend's) and don't mention that you remembered. With your partner or your kid's other parent, if that's part of your life: take one thing off their plate, unasked, with no announcement. If nobody notices, that's fine.
Want one thing like this to try every day?
The Better Father is eight weeks, about ten minutes a day: a short read in the morning, one thing to try with your kids, one line in a private log before bed. Four versions by your kid's age. $149 once, no subscription. What's inside
Full refund within 14 days of buying. Just email us. You don't have to explain or show your log.
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Guides for this one
- The phone in your pocketWhy willpower loses to it, and the two-hour fix that doesn't need any.
- Getting your teenager off their phoneStart with your own phone, then a few rules you agree on and keep.
Something else is harder right now? Take the 1-minute quiz.
This page describes a common problem, not you. It doesn't diagnose anything.