How to Get Your Son Off Video Games and His Phone

The short answer

Don't start by grabbing the controller or the phone. That often turns into a fight about the grab, not the screen. Put your own phone away first. Then, on a calm day, agree with him on a few rules: where phones and controllers sleep at night, none at meals, none in the hour before bed. For games, give a warning before time's up and let him finish the match or get to a save point. Keep the rules the same every day. And make some time for things you do together that don't need a screen.

Why does taking his phone away turn into a fight?

To you, it's a phone or a game. To him, it may be where his friends are. He may be playing online with the same kids he sits with at lunch. Pull the plug in the middle of a match and, from his side, you didn't just end a game. You may have left his team a player short, with his friends listening.

So the yelling that follows is often about how it ended, not about the hours. And if screens only come up in the middle of an argument, he may learn to hide the phone, not put it down.

None of this means no limits. It means limits tend to work better when they're set ahead of time than when they're snatched in the moment.

Do I need to sort out my own phone first?

It helps. If you scroll through dinner and then tell him to put his away, he may point that out, and he'd have a point.

For a week before you bring up his screens, put your phone in another room for the evening. Don't make it a lesson. If he asks, keep it short: “I was on it too much. I'm trying something.” Then when you sit down to talk about rules, you're asking him to do something you're already doing. More on the phone in your pocket →

What screen rules should a 10- to 15-year-old have?

Start with a few rules you can keep every day, not a long list nobody remembers. Many families start with some of these:

Phones sleep outside his room. A charging spot in the kitchen or by the door. If the console or computer is in his room, agree on the time it goes off for the night. Yours charges in the same spot.
No screens at meals. Everyone's, including yours.
Nothing in the hour before bed. That way the screen is already off when it's time for lights-out.
Schoolwork before games. Or the phone in another room while he does it.

Fit the rules to his age and to how he handles the freedom he already has. A ten-year-old usually needs tighter ones than a fifteen-year-old. Tell him the rules will loosen as he shows he can keep them, and then do it.

How do I bring up screen rules without a fight?

Pick a calm time. Not right after you've pulled him off a game. A drive or a walk can be easier than the kitchen table. Ask before you tell. Words you could try, in a normal voice:

“I want to sort out phones and games so we're not fighting about them every night. What do you think is fair?”
“Here's what I need: phones in the kitchen at nine-thirty. Mine too. What do you need from me?”
“If your phone ends up in your room after nine-thirty, it stays in the kitchen the next night too. Fair?”

Then listen to his answer. He may ask for something reasonable, like more time on Friday night when his friends are all on. Give where you can. Write the few you agree on and put them on the fridge. If every talk ends in a fight, start here →

How do I get him off a video game with less arguing?

If the arguments start in the minute the game ends, plan that minute.

Give a warning, then a second one. “Fifteen minutes, then you're done.” Then again at five. Say it in the room where he can see you, not shouted up the stairs.
Let him finish the match or get to a save point. Some online games can't be paused. “Finish this match, then it's off” usually goes over better than “off now.” Agree that starting a new match after the warning counts as time up.
Agree on what “done” means. Controller down, screen off, out of the room. Settle it on a calm day, not at the moment.
Let him turn it off. You stay in the room. He presses the button.
Do it the same way every time. One calm sentence: “Time's up. Turn it off, please.” If he doesn't, do what you already agreed, like the console stays off tomorrow. No speech.

Words for the moment:

“Five minutes. Finish this match, then it's off.”
“I know you were close. It's still time. You can pick it up tomorrow.”

What if he gets really angry at the game?

Yelling at the screen, a slammed controller, quitting mid-match: plenty of boys get loud when a game goes badly. Save the talk for later. Wait until he's cooled off, then ask: “You got really mad at that game. What happened?” Listen to the answer.

Then set one simple line, ahead of time: if the controller gets thrown or he's cruel to the kids he's playing with, the game is done for the night. If it happens a lot, shorter sessions with a break between them may help. And if your own temper is part of these evenings, here's the guide on anger with your kids.

What do we do instead?

Something you do together. Ask him to help you fix a bike. Shoot hoops. Cook something. Wash the car. Drive to get food. Build something with tools.

Or sit down and play his game with him. Ask him to teach you. You'll probably lose a lot, and that's fine. It shows him you're interested in what he likes, not only in turning it off. If he only gives you one-word answers, here's that guide.

How much screen time is too much?

There's no one number that fits every kid. Look at what's around the screen instead:

Is he sleeping enough?
Is he keeping up at school?
Does he see friends in person, at least some of the time?
Does he still do things he likes away from a screen?
Is his mood mostly okay?

If those are fine, the hours may matter less than they feel like they do. If they're slipping, it's worth a talk whatever the hours are.

When should I worry?

Some signs are worth more than a new rule:

Sleep. He's up late on a screen most nights and dragging through the day.
School. Grades dropping, homework not getting done, teachers getting in touch.
Mood. He's down, withdrawn or irritable most days, or very upset whenever he's away from the screen, more than a grumble.
Dropping things. He's quit friends, sports or things he used to love.
Secrecy. A second phone, deleted history, panic when you walk in, or new online “friends” you've never heard of.

Talk to him first, calmly. For bigger concerns, his doctor or the school counselor is a good place to start. If he talks about hurting himself or not wanting to be here, call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (in the U.S.). If anyone is in danger right now, call 911. Outside the U.S., use your local crisis line and emergency number.

What should he know about staying safe online?

Many games have chat. Some let strangers message him or talk to him. Know which games he plays and who he plays with. Use the phone's and console's own settings to choose who can message him or join voice chat, and tell him what's on.
Some things stay private. Nobody he only knows online gets his address, his school, or pictures of him.
Money. No saved card on the account. He asks before he buys anything in a game.
No secret checking. Know his passcode and tell him you may look sometimes. If he finds secret monitoring, it can cost you trust you'll want later.
He can always tell you. If anyone online asks him for pictures, asks him to keep a secret from you, or threatens him, he comes to you. He doesn't pay and doesn't send anything more. Keep the messages and the account name, then block and report the account in the game or app. If anyone asks him for sexual pictures or threatens him, report it to the police too.

Say that last one out loud, more than once: “If anything online ever scares you, or anyone asks you for pictures, come to me. You won't be in trouble, and you won't lose your phone for telling me.”

Is there something to do today?

One thing. Tonight, when it's time for him to come off a game, give a five-minute warning in person and let him finish the match. Then let him turn it off himself. Do it the same way tomorrow. Save the bigger rules talk for a calm day later this week.

Not sure where to start?

The free quiz for dads takes about a minute: pick what's hardest right now and get one thing to try tonight. If it's the phone, here's that page. For rules about phones with older teenagers, see how to get your teenager off their phone. The Better Father is about ten minutes a day for eight weeks, in four versions by your kid's age, from babies to grown kids. It's $149 once. Full refund within 14 days of buying. Just email us. You don't have to explain or show your log. See the four versions →

How to get your son off video games and his phone: a guide for dads