How to stay calm with a toddler: a guide for dads
He's two. He's flat on the floor because you cut the toast wrong. You're late, you're tired, and before you've decided anything your voice is the loudest thing in the house. Here's what to try instead, starting tonight.
What's hardest right now? Take the 1-minute quizFree. One thing to try tonight. No email needed.
Get down low and say less. One short sentence, then help with the next step. Let the tantrum run as long as nobody's getting hurt; you don't have to talk them out of it. Know your low hour and plan around it. Name the heat in your head before you answer. And when you yell anyway, go back and say it in toddler-sized words: “Daddy yelled. That was too loud. I'm sorry.”
Is it normal to lose your temper with a toddler?
It's one of the most common things dads say about this age. A toddler does the same thing forty times a day, can't be reasoned with, and melts down over the blue cup. That would wear anybody down, and it wears hardest at the end of a long day.
What helps is knowing what you're dealing with. Tantrums at two and three are normal. A toddler's feelings are bigger than their ability to handle them, and they don't have the words yet. When it feels like they're doing it on purpose, the program has a question for that moment: “That's real. Is it true?” The frustration is real. The idea that a two-year-old is working against you usually isn't.
Why does a toddler get to me so fast?
Usually it's not the toddler alone. It's the toddler plus the hour. Most dads have a low hour: the stretch, often between dinner and bedtime, when there's nothing left. Day two of The Better Father starts there: name your low hour, the time of day you're most likely to snap. Once you know it, you can stop being surprised by it. If being worn out is the real problem, the free quiz page for dads too tired to be patient has one thing to try tonight.
Noise, hunger (yours and theirs), running late and being touched all day add up. None of that is an excuse for yelling. It's useful, because you can plan for it.
What do I do in the middle of a tantrum?
Less than you think. You don't have to stop it, fix it or win it. Get close, at their level if they'll let you, say one short line, and then mostly be quiet. If there's a rule, the rule stays. Bath is still over. The cup is still the green one, or you hand over the blue one because it honestly doesn't matter. Either is fine; just decide once.
The next time your kid is upset, don't fix it and don't talk them out of it for two minutes. Get near them, at their level if they'll let you. Say one short line, then mostly be quiet. With a little one: "That's a big one." Stay close, offer a hand or a lap, and let it run, as long as nobody's getting hurt. With an older kid: "That sounds rough." Sit on the end of the bed or lean in the doorway. If they want you gone, say "I'll be right downstairs," and go. After the two minutes, if there's a rule to hold, hold it. If they want help, now you can help.
If the tantrum is a big “I hate you” or “you never let me,” day 19 gives you two sentences: one that names the feeling, one that keeps the line. “You're really mad bath is over. Bath is still over.” Then help them out of the tub. No third explanation.
What should I say instead of yelling?
One sentence, quieter and shorter than you want to. Get down to their eye level first. Standing over a toddler and talking louder rarely gets the shoes on any faster, and from down there you're a lot less scary.
- Say what happens next, not what they did wrong. “Shoes, then car.” “Two more slides, then we go.”
- Give two choices you're happy with. “Red socks or blue socks?” A toddler who gets to pick something often fights less about the rest.
- Do the next step with them. Hold one shoe. Hand them the toothbrush. Words alone don't move a two-year-old very far.
When your kid won't listen: getting heard without yelling →
Today, name it in a moment when you really don't want to, when you're sure there's no room. Then do the next thing anyway, from where you're standing. With a little one: shoes at the door, bus coming, kid flat on the floor. Say "There's the heat" in your head, then get down and help with one shoe. With an older kid: they ask for the thing you've already said no to, for the third time. Name it, then say the no once, in a normal voice, and stop. If you named it and stayed on the couch, or waited too long, log it as late.
What if I feel like I'm about to grab him?
Put your toddler somewhere safe, like the crib or the floor of their room with the door open, and step out for a minute or two. Breathe. Get a glass of water. A toddler crying for two minutes in a safe place is fine. Coming back when you can keep your hands and voice steady is the right call, not the weak one.
Never shake a child, not even for a second. If you're getting close to that line often, talk to your doctor or call one of the numbers at the bottom of this page. Lots of dads do.
How do I make the hard hours easier?
- Ten minutes before the low hour. Get on the floor and let them lead: be the customer, the monster, the bridge the cars drive over. A toddler who's had some of you first often needs less of a fight to get it later.
- Start things earlier. If bath goes wrong at 7:40 every night, start it at 7:15. Most toddler fights are about being rushed.
- Feed everybody. A snack before the drive home helps two people in the car, not one.
- Warn them before it ends. “Two more minutes, then the iPad's done.” Then hold it.
How do I catch it before it comes out?
Something moves before your voice does: heat in your chest, your jaw, your grip on the car seat buckle. Find that, and name it in your head in three words: There's the heat. The feeling doesn't go away, but there's a little room now between you and your mouth.
Practice it on small stuff, on purpose: the wrong-color cup, “No, I do it!” when you're zipping their coat, the fourth song at bedtime. Those are free reps. More on what to practice instead of yelling →
What do I do when I yell anyway?
Go back as soon as you can keep your voice level. With a toddler, keep it short and get down to their level: “Daddy yelled. That was too loud. I'm sorry.” A hug if they want one. Nothing after “but.” A two-year-old won't understand all the words, but they'll understand that you came back. How to apologize to your kid after yelling →
Then, later, two questions: what happened? and what do I want to do differently? Something like “I yelled at bath at 7:40. Start bath at 7:15.” That's the whole review.
Is the heat really about the toddler?
Sometimes it's just the room. But if the size of it surprises you, it's worth asking quietly where it comes from. For a lot of dads it's a long day at work, or a line their own father used to say. If it starts at the front door → If you hear your dad in it →
What if my toddler only wants mom?
It's common, and it stings, especially at bath and bedtime. Own one routine, get time alone with them, and don't hand them back at the first cry. When your kid prefers mom →
What if my kid is still a baby?
Then the low hour is the 2 a.m. feed, and the hard part for a lot of dads is feeling like the backup. How to bond with your baby as a dad →
Not sure where to start?
The free quiz for dads takes about a minute: pick what's hardest right now and get one thing to try tonight. If losing your temper is the one, here's that page.
More guides for dads
- How to stop yelling at your kidsWhy deciding not to yell doesn't work, and what to practice instead.
- How to apologize to your kid after yellingWhat to say, when to say it, and the one word that undoes it.
- Too stressed when you get homeYour family reads your mood before you say a word. What to do at the door.