How to bond with your baby as a dad, even if you feel left out

Is it normal not to feel connected to my newborn?

Yes. Plenty of dads don't feel a rush of love on day one, and plenty of moms don't either. A newborn doesn't give much back at first: they eat, sleep, cry and don't look at you for long. Many dads say it got easier once the baby started looking back, smiling or reaching for them, and once they'd done enough of the care to feel like they knew what they were doing.

Not feeling it yet doesn't mean something's wrong with you or with the baby. It's a reason to spend more time with them, not less.

Why do I feel left out?

Usually for plain reasons. If the baby's breastfed, mom is with them every couple of hours, day and night, so she gets the practice and the baby gets used to her. Relatives hand the baby to her. She may have more leave than you. When the baby cries, it often stops faster with her, and it's easy to take that as a sign you're the backup.

It isn't anyone's fault, and it isn't fixed by waiting. It's fixed by time with the baby, most of it doing the ordinary work.

What can I do with my baby this week?

• Skin to skin. Shirt off, baby in just a diaper on your chest, a blanket over both of you. Twenty minutes in the evening is plenty. Babies learn your smell, your heartbeat and your voice this way.
• Take one job that's yours. The bath is a good one. So is the first change in the morning, or every change on the weekend. Do it every day so you get good at it.
• Talk out loud. Tell them what you're doing: “Okay, left sock. Now the other one.” Read them the news or the box score. They don't need the words; they need your voice.
• Carry them around. A carrier or a sling on a walk, or around the house while you do things. Babies settle with movement, and it's time together that doesn't need a plan.
• Play, at their size. Make faces at them from close up. Copy the sounds they make. Peekaboo once they're a few months old.

What can I do if she's breastfeeding?

More than it looks like. Bring the baby to her, then take the baby back for the burp, the change and getting them back to sleep. At night, you can do the change and the settling so she can go straight back to sleep. If she's pumping or the baby takes a bottle, ask about doing one feed a day yourself, often the late evening one. Feeding isn't the only way in, though. Lots of dads do most of their bonding in the bath and the walk around the kitchen at 2 a.m.

What if the baby cries more with me?

It happens, especially early on, and it isn't a verdict. Don't hand the baby back at the first cry. Try one thing at a time and give each a few minutes: a firm, snug hold against your chest, slow swaying or walking, a low “shhh” near their ear, dimmer lights, a quieter room. Check the usual: hungry, wet, too hot, needs a burp.

If you've tried for ten or fifteen minutes and the baby needs to eat or wants mom, hand them over and try again later. What counts is that you keep coming back to it. If your toddler only wants mom →

How do I stop feeling like the backup?

Spend time with the baby on your own, without anyone watching. Take the baby for a walk so she can sleep. Do Saturday morning while she has a lie-in. You'll do things differently, and that's fine. You figure out what works for your kid, and the baby gets used to being with you.

If you need room to do that, ask for it plainly, without making it a complaint: “Can I do the bath on my own this week, even if I do it differently?” Most partners who are worn out will be glad of the help. And keep doing the dishes, the laundry and the night shift too. Taking care of her is part of taking care of the baby.

What if the crying gets to me?

It gets to everybody. If you feel yourself getting angry or desperate, put the baby down on their back in the crib, close the door, and step away for a few minutes. A baby crying in a safe crib is okay. Breathe, get some water, call someone, then go back.

Never shake a baby, not even for a second. It can cause brain damage or death. If you're getting close to that line, put the baby down and call for help.

Can dads get depressed after a baby?

Yes, and it's more common than most dads think. If for weeks you feel numb, cut off, short-tempered, or like you want to get away from all of it, if you're drinking more to cope, or if you can't sleep even when the baby does, talk to your doctor. That's not weakness. It's looking after the person your kid needs.

What else should a new dad know?

Safe sleep, splitting the nights, going back to work, and what changes month by month. First-time dad tips for the first year →

Is there something to do today?

Pick one: twenty minutes of skin to skin tonight, the bath tomorrow and every day after, or an hour alone with the baby this weekend. Then do it again the next day. Getting close to a baby is mostly showing up for the same small things, over and over.

Not sure where to start?

The free quiz for dads takes about a minute: pick what's hardest right now and get one thing to try tonight. The Better Father comes in versions by your kid's age, including one for dads of kids up to five, built around bedtime, meltdowns and the long days. It's $149 once. Full refund within 14 days of buying. Just email us. You don't have to explain or show your log. See the four versions →

More guides for dads

• Losing your temper with a toddlerTantrums, the shoes at the door, the low hour, and what to say instead of yelling.
• Too stressed when you get homeYour family reads your mood before you say a word. What to do at the door.
• The phone in your pocketWhy willpower loses to it, and the two-hour fix that doesn't need any.