How to be a better dad: 12 things to do, and what to say

1. Give them the first ten minutes when you walk in

When you get home, put the phone away and give your kid ten minutes before anything else. If dinner or bedtime needs doing, do it with them, phone still away.

What to say: “Hey, I missed you. Show me something from today.”

By age: with a toddler, get on the floor and play whatever they're playing. With a school-age kid, ask them to show you one thing. With a teenager, just be around the kitchen and don't push. More on coming home stressed →

2. When you get it wrong, say sorry with nothing after “but”

Every dad snaps sometimes. What you do next can matter as much as the snap. Go back, name what you did, and stop there. No “but you were being…”, no speech.

What to say: “I yelled. That wasn't fair. You didn't deserve that.”

By age: a three-year-old needs one short sentence and a hug. A teenager may shrug it off. Say it anyway. How to apologize to your kid →

3. Notice what happens right before you yell

Deciding not to yell rarely holds at 6:30 when the shoes still aren't on. What helps is noticing the signs in yourself first: the heat in your chest, the jaw, the grip. When you notice them, slow down, lower your voice, or step away for a minute.

What to say: “I'm getting frustrated. I'm going to take a minute, then we'll finish this.”

How to stop yelling at your kids →

4. Say a rule once, then follow through calmly

Yelling works for about a minute, and then you're back to asking four times. Walk over, get down to their level, say it once. If it doesn't happen, give one warning that names what will happen, then do it, without another lecture.

What to say: “If the tablet isn't off by the time I count to five, it's done for today.”

How to discipline without yelling →

5. Ask questions that can't be answered with “fine”

If “How was school?” keeps getting “fine,” ask about one part of the day instead, and leave room for them not to answer.

What to say: “Who did you sit with at lunch?” or “What was the worst part of today?”

By age: with a little one, stay a few extra minutes at bedtime. With a teenager, take the talk when it comes, even if it's late, and don't jump on it with advice; just listen. When your kid only says “fine” →

6. Have one regular thing that's just the two of you

Not a big day out. A small thing on a schedule: Saturday pancakes, a walk after dinner, a show you watch together, fixing something in the garage. The same thing, week after week, is what kids come to count on.

What to say: “Saturday breakfast is ours. You pick where.”

7. Say “I love you” and “I'm proud of you” out loud

Plenty of dads stop saying it once kids get older, because it starts to feel awkward. Kids notice when it stops. Be specific about what you're proud of: the effort, not just the score.

What to say: “I saw how hard you worked on that. I'm proud of you.”

By age: with a teenager, say it in private, not in front of their friends. But say it.

8. Keep small promises

“After dinner we'll finish the puzzle.” Then finish the puzzle. In our view, the small promises are where kids find out whether your word means something. If you can't keep one, say so before, not after.

What to say: “I said we'd play after dinner, and I can't tonight. Tomorrow, right after dinner. I'll remind you.”

9. Treat their mom with respect, together or not

Your kids are learning how people treat each other from watching you. Speak to their mom and about her with respect, especially when you disagree and especially if you're apart. Argue in private when you can. Never run her down to them. Co-parenting tips for dads →

10. Let them see you handle stress

Kids can't see your workday, but they can see what you do with it. Say out loud what's going on, in a sentence they can handle, and what you're doing about it.

What to say: “Work was rough today. I'm going to take ten minutes, then I'm all yours.”

When work takes too much of you →

11. Keep what was good from how you were raised, and change what wasn't

A lot of dads hear their own father's words come out of their mouth, good and bad. If there's something you don't want to pass on, pick that one thing and practice doing it differently. How not to become your father →

12. Look after yourself, too

A dad running on four hours of sleep and no one to talk to has less patience left by evening. Sleep, move your body, and have one friend you can be honest with. If your anger or your mood feels heavier than you can carry, talk to your doctor or a counselor. That's a strong move, not a weak one.

How can I be a better dad to my son?

Your son watches what you do, not just what you say: how you handle anger, how you own a mistake, how you treat his mom. Spend regular time with him doing something you both like, and keep hugging him and telling him you're proud of him as he gets older. Being a good role model for your son → If he's a teenager who's gone quiet, here's what helps when he only says “fine” →

How can I be a better father to my daughter?

Be interested in her, not just her grades or her looks. Ask about what she's into and let her teach you about it. Keep showing affection in the way she's comfortable with as she grows, and let her see how you treat women, starting with her mom. How to connect with your daughter →

How can I be a better father and husband?

Do your share at home where the kids can see it, without being asked. Back your partner up in front of the kids, and work out disagreements about them in private. Make a little time for the two of you, even twenty minutes after bedtime. And when you get it wrong with her, say sorry the same way you would to your kids: name it, and stop.

How can I be a better dad when I'm busy and only have ten minutes?

Ten minutes is enough to start. Use them the same way each day: phone in another room, the first ten minutes when you walk in, one specific question, and one thing you noticed that you liked. On the nights you get it wrong, the ten minutes can be the apology.

What if I'm a stepdad, or I don't live with my kids?

Most of this still works, with a few changes. A stepdad usually does better leaving the big calls on discipline to their parent at first. A dad who sees his kids part of the week can still keep a regular thing and small promises. How to be a good stepdad → · Staying close after divorce →

What makes a good dad?

No list is the answer, but the same few things show up again and again: a dad who's around and paying attention, who's steady when things go wrong, who owns his mistakes, who keeps his word, and who tells his kids, in plain words, that he loves them. Nobody does all of that every day. Being a better dad mostly means coming back to it the next day.

Is there something to do tonight?

Pick one of the twelve. If you're not sure which, start with number 1: phone in another room, and the first ten minutes when you walk in.

Not sure where to start?

The free quiz for dads takes about a minute: pick what's hardest right now and get one thing to try tonight. The Better Father is about ten minutes a day, in four versions by your kid's age: 0 to 5, 6 to 13, 14 to 19, and 20 and up. It's $149 once. Full refund within 14 days of buying. Just email us. You don't have to explain or show your log. See the four versions →

More guides for dads

• How to stop yelling at your kidsWhat to notice right before the yell, and what to practice instead.
• How to apologize to your kid after yellingWhat to say, when to say it, and the one word to leave out.
• When your 6- to 12-year-old says “fine”Smaller questions than “how was school?”, and places to try talking.