Stepdad and teenager: how to be a good stepdad to a teen

Why can it be harder with a teenager?

A teenager remembers how the house worked before you came. A new adult can feel like one more person trying to have a say. Some feel that liking you would be unfair to their dad.

None of that has to be about you as a person. It can be about the change. That's worth remembering on a night when they walk past you without a word.

Should a stepdad discipline a teenage stepkid?

Not the big calls, at least for a good while. Grounding, taking the phone, curfew: those can land better coming from their own parent. Your part is to back her up and hold the same line.

• Agree on the rules with your partner, in private. Then she's the one who tells the kids.
• Hold the everyday house rules the way any adult living there would. “Plates go in the sink, not on the couch.” Said once, in a normal voice.
• When something bigger happens and she's not home, try: “I'm going to tell your mom, and she'll talk to you about it.” Then tell her, and leave it with her.
• Don't argue it out in front of everyone. “We'll pick this up later with your mom.” Then walk away.

If every conversation is turning into a shouting match, there's more on that here. How to stop fighting with your teenager →

My stepson doesn't respect me. What can I do?

Start with what respect can look like right now. From a teenager to a newer adult, it may only be the basics: no insults, no doors slammed in your face, an answer when you speak to him. Warmth can come later. Asking for more than the basics early on can turn it into a contest you both want to win.

When he's rude:

• Keep your voice level, and keep it short. One thing to say: “Don't talk to me like that. I'll talk with you when you can do it normally.” Then leave the room.
• Don't trade insults or try to win. Leave the last word alone.
• Tell your partner later, calmly, and decide together what happens next. Let her follow up with him.
• Look at your side too. If you've been correcting him a lot, try a week of fewer corrections and more ordinary talk: the game, his music, the car.

How do I get along with a teenage stepdaughter?

Most of the same moves, with more room. Knock and wait before you open her door. Leave comments about her clothes, her body or who she's dating to her mom. Let her decide on hugs; a high five or a “morning” is plenty unless she offers more.

Ask about what she's into, like the show, the band or the game, then listen, and remember it next week. One line to try: “I'm around if you ever need a ride. I won't make it weird.” More on staying close to a daughter →

How do I build a relationship with a teenage stepkid?

Find one small thing that's yours. Not a big day out to win them over; something regular and low-key. Driving them to practice. Driving lessons, if they're old enough and their mom is on board. A Saturday breakfast run. A show you both watch. Fixing a bike or a car.

• Be useful. Help with something they actually need: a ride, a flat tire, a résumé for a first job.
• Keep promises small, and keep them. “I'll pick you up at nine” and then be there at nine.
• Let them choose what to call you. Your first name is fine.

One thing to say: “I'm heading out to get coffee. Want anything, or want to come?” If the answer is no, say “okay” and ask again another day.

What do I say when they say “you're not my dad”?

Agree, calmly. “You're right, I'm not. I'm not trying to be. The rule's still the rule.” Or, if it isn't about a rule: “I know. I'm still glad I'm around you.” Then drop it. No comeback needed.

What about their dad?

Don't compete with him and don't criticize him where they can hear. A teenager may complain about their dad to you, sometimes to see what you'll say. Listen and don't pile on: “Sounds frustrating.” That's enough.

You can say it plainly once: “I'm not here to replace your dad. I'm one more adult on your side.” The full stepdad guide, for kids of any age →

What if my partner and I don't agree about the teenager?

Sort it out alone, not in front of the kids. Pick a calm time each week, maybe a walk, to talk about the kids when nobody's upset. Start with what you saw, not what she should do: “When he came in at midnight, I didn't know what we'd agreed. Can we decide now?” Then hold whatever you agree, even if it isn't what you'd have picked. A family counselor who works with stepfamilies can help you both if you're stuck.

Is there something to try this week?

• Pick one small, regular thing to offer: a ride, a breakfast run, a show. Ask once, with no pressure.
• Tonight, agree with your partner on one house rule you'll both hold the same way, with her as the one who says it.
• The next time they're rude, use one short line, then leave the room.
• Knock before you open their door, every time.

Not sure where to start?

The free quiz for dads takes about a minute: pick what's hardest right now and get one thing to try tonight. The Better Father is about ten minutes a day, in four versions by your kid's age: 0 to 5, 6 to 13, 14 to 19, and 20 and up. It's $149 once. Full refund within 14 days of buying. Just email us. You don't have to explain or show your log. See the four versions →

More guides for dads

• How to be a good stepdadGo slow, leave discipline to their parent at first, and find one thing you do together.
• When every talk with your teenager turns into a fightHow to stop an argument partway, what to stop saying, and which fights to drop.
• When your son only says “Fine”Why sitting him down backfires, and what to try instead, side by side.