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For stepdads of toddlers and young kids

Stepdad to young kids: how to be a good stepdad to a little one

You came into the picture when they were two, or five, or eight. One day they're climbing on you. The next, they cry when you're the one doing bedtime, or tell you “I want Mommy.” Here's what a stepdad can try with young kids, starting this week.

What's hardest right now? Tap one to start the free quiz.

Keeping my cool when they push it Putting my phone down for them Leaving work stress at the door Getting more than “Fine.” out of them Doing it differently than my dad did Having patience left by evening

Four quick questions, about a minute. One thing to try tonight. No email needed.

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The short answer

Be a steady, easy adult to have around, not the one in charge. Leave the big rules and consequences to their mom (or dad) for now, and agree on them together in private. Take one small part of the day, like breakfast, the walk to school or a bedtime book, and do it the same way each time. Let them set the pace on hugs and on what they call you. Never run down their other parent, even to a toddler. When they say “I want Mommy,” hand them over and try again tomorrow.

Why can it be hard even with little kids?

Little kids can get attached to things staying the same: the same cup, the same story, the same person at bedtime. A new adult at breakfast is a change, even a good one. A small child can't always say what's bothering them, so it may come out as clinging to their mom, tears at bedtime, or acting like you're not there.

None of that has to be about you as a person. It can be about the change.

Should a stepdad discipline young stepkids?

Not the big calls, at least for a good while. Time-outs, taking a toy away, what happens after someone hits: those can land better coming from their own parent. Your part is to back her up and hold the same line.

  • Agree on the rules together, in private. Bedtime, screens, sweets, no hitting. Then she tells the kids.
  • Hold the small, everyday rules the way a sitter would. “Feet off the table, buddy.” “We hold hands in the parking lot.” Short, calm, the same every time.
  • Safety comes first, whoever you are. If a kid is about to run into the street or grab a hot pan, step in. That isn't a question of who disciplines.
  • When she's not home, hold the rules you've both agreed on, then tell her what happened and let her handle anything bigger.

How to discipline without yelling →

My stepkid only wants their mom. What do I do?

Hand them over, without a fuss. A little kid who's tired, sick or upset may just want the parent they've always had. “Okay, let's go find Mom” keeps it from turning into a contest. Then look for the easy moments, when everyone's fed and rested, to do something together.

One line to try: “Mom's got this one. I'll read the story tomorrow if you want.”

How do I bond with a young stepchild?

Take one small part of the day and make it yours. Do it the same way, at the same time, for weeks.

  • Pick one job. Pancakes on Saturday. The walk to the bus. One book at bedtime. Pushing the swing at the park.
  • Get on the floor. Blocks, trucks, dolls, a pillow fort. Let them run the game and you follow along.
  • Keep small promises. “After dinner we'll finish the puzzle.” Then finish the puzzle.
  • Let them decide on hugs and on what to call you. A high five is fine. Your first name is fine.

If a small child starts calling you “Dad” on their own, talk it over with your partner, alone, before you make anything of it either way.

What do I say when a little one says “you're not my dad”?

Agree, calmly, and keep it short. “That's right, I'm not. I'm still here, and it's still time to put the toys away.” No lecture, and no hurt look. If they're really upset, not just testing, stop and let their mom take over, and ask her later what was going on.

What about their dad?

Don't compete with him and don't criticize him where they can hear, even if they're only three. Little kids can repeat what they hear, word for word. If they talk about time with their dad, be glad with them: “You went to the zoo with Dad? What did you see?” If he isn't in the picture, the same goes: no running him down. More on getting along with the kids' dad →

What if my partner and I don't agree?

Sort it out alone, not in front of the kids. Pick a calm time to talk about the kids when nobody's upset. Start with what you saw, not what she should do: “When he hit his sister, I didn't know what we'd agreed. Can we decide now?” Then hold whatever you agree, even if it isn't what you'd have picked, as long as it's safe for the kids. A family counselor who works with stepfamilies can help you both if you're stuck. If anyone is ever unsafe at home, call 911.

Is there something to try this week?

  • Pick one small job in the daily routine and do it the same way every day this week.
  • Spend ten minutes on the floor, playing whatever they pick.
  • Tonight, agree with your partner on one house rule you'll both hold the same way, with her as the one who says it.
  • The next time they want their mom instead of you, hand them over and try again tomorrow.

For the whole picture, at any age: the full stepdad guide →

Not sure where to start?

The free quiz for dads takes about a minute: pick what's hardest right now and get one thing to try tonight. The Better Father is about ten minutes a day, in four versions by your kid's age: 0 to 5, 6 to 13, 14 to 19, and 20 and up. It's $149 once. Full refund within 14 days of buying. Just email us. You don't have to explain or show your log. See the four versions →

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