Stepdad and Biological Father: Getting Along With Their Dad

The short answer

Treat it as two jobs, not one contest. He's their dad; you're another adult on their side. Never criticize him where the kids can hear. Keep handovers short and polite, and let your partner handle plans and disagreements with him. When the kids compare you, don't defend yourself: different houses can have different rules. When he lets them down, say short, plain lines that don't judge him. And talk things over with your partner in private, so the two of you hold the same line.

Stepdad vs. “real dad”: why can it feel like a rivalry?

You're both men in the kids' lives, and you may both notice who they run to, whose jokes they repeat, and which house they'd rather be at. He may worry that you'll replace him. You may worry that you'll always come second.

Neither of those has to be about who's the better man. It can be about the change in the family. It helps to tell yourself plainly: there are two jobs here. He's their dad. You're another adult who cares about them. Neither job needs the other one to lose. The full guide to being a stepdad →

What might the kids be weighing?

Some kids feel that liking their stepdad is unfair to their dad. Some feel they have to pick a side, or keep quiet about one house while they're at the other. A kid may be cool with you on Sunday night after a weekend at their dad's and warmer by Wednesday. That may have little to do with you.

You can make it easier by saying it out loud, once: “You don't have to choose. You can love your dad and still get along with me.” Then let it be.

What can a stepdad control, and what can't he?

You can't control how their dad acts, what he says about you, the custody schedule, or how the kids feel about either of you. You can control:

How you talk about him.
How you act at handovers. Calm, short, polite.
Whether you keep your own promises. Small ones, every time.
How your own home runs. The same rules, the same routine, the same you.

What do I say when my stepkid says “my dad lets me…”?

Don't argue about which house is better, and don't put down his rules. Try:

“That's how it works at your dad's. Here, it's lights out at ten.”
“Different houses, different rules.”
If it's a rule you and your partner haven't settled: “Let me check with your mom.” Then do.

And when it's “my dad's more fun,” you can simply agree: “Sounds like you had a good weekend with him. Glad to hear it.”

How should a stepdad handle handovers and pickups?

Keep them short, polite and about the kids. A nod, a “Hey,” and the bag goes in the car. When your partner is there, let her do the talking about plans. If you do a pickup on your own, stick to the basics: “Hi. I've got her bag. We'll have her back at six on Sunday.”

Don't bring up money, the schedule or old arguments at the door. If he does, you don't need to answer: “I'll let her know you asked.” Save any talk about how it went until the kids can't hear.

Why shouldn't I criticize their dad in front of the kids?

Because he's their dad. When an adult runs down their dad, some kids hear it as being about them, too. Some will defend him and pull away from whoever said it.

“Where the kids can hear” includes phone calls in the next room, a text on a screen they can see, and the car. If they complain about him to you, listen and don't add to it: “That sounds frustrating.” If you need to vent, do it with your partner or a friend, away from the kids.

What if their dad doesn't show up or keeps letting them down?

The kid waits by the window and he cancels, or he doesn't call on a birthday. You may be angry on their behalf. Keep that to yourself, and say only plain lines that don't judge him:

“I'm sorry he couldn't come today. That's disappointing.”
“I don't know why he didn't call.”
“Want to do something with me this afternoon instead?”

Don't guess at his reasons, and don't promise he'll come next time. If the kids ask hard questions about him, let your partner lead on what to say. You don't need to fill his place. Keep being steady and around.

My stepson's dad hates me. What now?

Some dads find it hard to see another man in the house with their kids. It can come out as cold looks, digs at pickup, or angry messages. You don't have to fix how he feels about you.

Stay polite, and keep it short. “Okay. I'll pass that on.”
Don't argue back in front of the kids, even if he starts it.
Leave the kids' arrangements to him and your partner. If he messages you, keep replies brief and about times and places.

If he ever threatens anyone, or you're worried about anyone's safety, see the box near the end of this page.

Co-parenting as a stepdad: how do I talk it through with my partner?

She's the bridge between the two homes, and she may feel pulled both ways. Pick a calm time, not right after a handover. Start with what you saw, not what she should do: “When he said that at pickup, I didn't know how you wanted me to answer. What would help?”

Agree on a few things together: who talks to him about plans, what you'll each say when the kids compare houses, and what happens if he's late. Then hold it the same way, even if it isn't what you'd have picked. A family counselor who works with stepfamilies can help if you keep getting stuck. If the kids are teenagers, here's more on being a stepdad to a teenager → And if you're co-parenting kids of your own from another home, here are co-parenting tips for dads →

Is there something to try this week?

At the next handover, keep it to a greeting and the basics, then go.
Pick one line to use when the kids compare houses, and agree on it with your partner.
Notice one time you're about to say something about their dad, and say nothing.
Tell each kid once: “You don't have to choose.”

Not sure where to start?

The free quiz for dads takes about a minute: pick what's hardest right now and get one thing to try tonight. The Better Father is about ten minutes a day, in four versions by your kid's age: 0 to 5, 6 to 13, 14 to 19, and 20 and up. It's $149 once. Full refund within 14 days of buying. Just email us. You don't have to explain or show your log. See the four versions →

Stepdad and biological father: how to get along with the kids' dad